Marilyn Manson "Third Day Of A Seven Day Binge"

Early morning, 10AM. A Saturday.
But it's the third week of a binge. It can make waking up at noon feel like you've gotten up before the crack of dawn.
We're slowly making our way to the kitchen, stumbling... I can hear your gears and cogs, trying to grind the alcohol and the haze away...
And then I hear your thoughts.
I hear you contemplating more Gin.
NO.
Fuck you, you're not going to silence me again. I'm not some fetish toy for you to bind and gag. I have had enough of you drowning my screams.
We are NOT drinking this early in the morning.
I stop us in our tracks. I try to pound some sense in you, to get through the mists of morning and sleepiness.
You are too tired to resist.
We slowly make our way to the kitchen.
More awake.
More alert.
We look around and make ourselves a cup of coffee.
We throw away the nearly empty bottle from last night.

Damien Rice "Rootless Tree"

It's warm and sunny.
Every step on the red path makes dust rise up, trying to hug our knees.
The green grass is slowly fading to yellow.
People, pets, kids, picnics...
You know they are there.
But we don't see them.

We're here to find that magnificent tree.
To pay our respects. To say a "thank you" and a "farewell".
Not to Her. We already said it to Her long ago.
To memory, to what was, to what shall never be again...

There.
It used to be there.
The sturdy trunk, the huge branches, the echo...
Of those most dangerous words I kept on shouting.
Of all the things you whispered.
That which signified all we'd been through.

A stump.
All that is left of all the memories, of all the desires, of the one great symbol...
A stump.
Huge, flat, short...
And not quite dead yet.
A stump.
Something that used to be there.
An imprint.
Dying.
Left.
Probably forgotten.

We don't cross over the grass.
We don't shout.
We don't fall.

Tearless - we slowly walk away.

Red dust and roots.

Godsmack "Releasing The Demons"

Change.
Change is amongst the most difficult of tasks.
Gathering all the bits and pieces of yourself, all the faces, all the masks...
Trying to throw away the bad parts and then clumping the rest into a huge Golem.
Meant to be stronger.
Meant to be smarter.
Meant to be better.

But do you know what's more difficult?
Reversing the change, when you figure out you haven't done it right.

I remember suffocating inside that stone chest.
I remember the voices of your former selves: screaming, shouting, cursing, weeping, howling, moaning...
Banging on the walls of that walking prison you built for them.

I remember... It took you weeks. WEEKS.
To realise, that this change is wrong. That you are slowly turning into stone.
Stagnant.
Suffocating yourself.

And then...

Change.
Change back.
The most difficult of all changes.
Sitting down, staring at ourselves...
Painfully, slowly, tearing the Golem to pieces with your own bare hands...
Just because you found out, that the demons you tried to lock away...
Are the only thing which keeps you living.

Smallman "Labyrinth Of Present"

2 AM.
May.
Some would say the end of spring. Some would call it the beginning of summer.
Whatever. It's a warm night. Much warmer than I remember it.

I was sitting in a 24/7 neighbourhood cafe, which was trying to seem higher-classed than it really was.
The prices were according to what it thought it was, not what it really was, too.
I was waiting for my pint of coffee to cool down enough, so I can start drinking.
Yes. Pint. It was a pint-of-coffee night.

The moment They walked through the door, I knew She'd made her choice.
I knew what we would be discussing.
They kept a short distance between them.
They didn't touch, didn't even look at each other.

They sat down.

I took a sip from my coffee.

I could see them. I could see them together, ten years from now.
I could see Her in the wedding dress I wanted to buy for her.
I could see him in the white suit I wanted to wear.

I could see a little girl, frolicking around.
As pretty as her mother, and with the unruly small curls of her father.
She smiled at me, winked, and then went off to play with some intoxicated patron's phone.

A vision.

We were civilised.
No one screamed. No one shouted.
No one said bad words.
I let You take over, after all.
You've always been good at handling these things.

A pint of coffee and an hour later we were sitting in His car, on our way to The Seeker.
I was wrong. It was a two-pints-of-coffee-and-two-packets-of-cigarettes night.
We said our good-byes.
We wished her happiness.
We were sincere - both you and I.

The Seeker poured us a glass of ouzo and a cup of coffee.
After you told him, as brief as possible, what had happened, we didn't discuss it any more.
There was no need.
Facts are facts.
He knew that, and he's always been good at jingling shiny keys in front of your eyes, so that I can sit down and think.
So I can scream my lungs out and not bother you. Not bother us.

We were adrift on the river of time, rapidly going forward. Always forward.
We decided we should finally craft ourselves a fucking rudder.
We decided we need more coffee.
And that ouzo can taste bearable after all.
It was a two-pints-of-coffee night.
And a go-and-do-your-job morning.

And life went on.

Oren Lavie "Her morning elegance"

We slowly open our eyes.
It feels like the weight of the night is still hanging on our eyelids.
Heavy.
Sluggish.
Brutal.

Slowly, with a lot of effort, we roll 180 degrees.
Every part of our body creaks.
Rust begins to fall off our joints and our whole systems feels like someone just wound the springs of a clockwork mechanism so ancient, it should have fossilized by now.

We focus our gaze.
Her hair is messy.
She's rolled herself up like a cocoon.
She looks at us softly.
She smiles.

Her smile.
Pure sunlight.
Burning the mares off of me.
Bathing me in warmth.
Polishing my cogs and gears.
Tightening the springs.

We smile back.
It's a perfect morning.

She Wants Revenge "Must Be The One"

The race has been on for a few weeks now.
I'd laced my foot in lead and slammed it on the gas as hard as I can, keeping it there. Letting it go numb. Never thinking I'd have to stop.
***
She sits down at the table across form us.
***
I can see the finish line. A brick wall, barring my way to the second lap. I'm going to break through. I shift gears.
***
She reaches into her bag.
She takes out an object and places it on the table.
The symbol of "Us".
***
The other driver pushes me off the road at the sharp turn.
My steering fails, my breaks start leaking, my foot's still firmly placed on the pedal.
I crash into the security wall in a giant ball of flames, smoke, melting tires, and twisted metal.
She wins this race.
But there will be a second one.
---
Within an hour I'm back behind the wheel.
Another race.
A race I can win.
***
"I know you still think of her. Stop lying."
"I'm not."
"You want her more than you want me."
"I didn't. But you've made me believe it."
***
I forfeit that race.
The other driver never stood a chance.
I'm a spitfire. I deserve a better race, a bigger challenge.
THAT race, where I crashed and burned.
I've seen THAT driver at pit-stops on the highway.
We talked about a rematch a couple of times.
***
We still met from time to time. A hug here, a kiss there. So what if she was with another for a while. I didn't care. Much.
***
Time passes.
Days pass by like milestones in the countryside.
And we get to our rematch.
I'll be lightning.
This time I'll win.
***
There She is - a vision of innocence, holding a single white rose she chose for me.
Knowing She's late. Hoping for a second chance.
Too late.
***
The race is on. Our engines roaring like beasts from the depths of hell.
We're close.
Every time I look at my rear view mirror, She's come closer.
I can see the wall at the finish line.
We're close. So close.
And there's that same sharp turn again.
She catches up to me then.
Only this time I'm on the inside.
And this time I push her off the road.
***
The rose sits there, on the white bench.
I rise.
I walk away.
I reach for my phone and dial a number.
***
A short phone call, and the next race is set.
It's going to be wild.
This time I'll break through the finish line.
I'm just a crash test dummy in a prototype "Diablo Rojo".
Pick up the pieces, and put my foot on the pedal.
I'll race on.
I'll break the wall.
I'll have a second lap.

Maroon 5 "The Sun"

A misty night.
Autumn in December.
Walking down the huge street lit by bars and christmas decorations.
We pass a bunch of people working on a tiny gas-powered RC car.
A huge and shiny jeep pulls over. A pretty lady in a glistening white fur coat exits the car.
There are people entering and exiting the bars.
People smiling and looking sad.

But no. Those are just pictures.
There's only you and me and the music.
The long, straight, wet street.
Alone.

Yet somehow not so lonely.
Well that's new.

Who knows, maybe tonight we really are just several miles from the sun.
Smile and walk on.
It's what we do best.

Black Light Burns "Cruel Melody"

It's dark.
The only thing shining is the monitor.
It's flooding the room with what looks like a cheap bootleg of moonlight, manufactured in some child-abusing sweatshop thousands of miles away.

We are looking at a picture.
A picture we wanted to have many years ago.
A picture we're glad we didn't have back then.

You reach for our chest.
You feel around for the gap.
The hole in me.
From that huge chunk I ripped off and gave away.
A piece we shall never regain.
A piece that will never be replaced.

But we live on.
We want to run away.
To fly away.
To go there.
But we stay.
And live on.
Ankou shall have to come another day.

She Wants Revenge "Animal Attraction"

There she was.

Blonde,
Bold,
Barefooted.

Radiant like a little sun in the summer twilight.

This rush is beastly.
Like a run through the primal forests and deserts of this earth.
The cheerful, playful pounce of a tiger.

And you know what?
This animal thing...
There's nothing wrong with it.

Anne Trolle/Peder "White Lilies"

Summer night.
3AM.
The room is full of smoke, the radio still playing...

Your bodies glisten in the yellow light.

You look at her.
She smiles.
Her eyes are sly, playful, almost arrogant.
With a sparkle of nearly maddening freedom.
She looks like a cat that has just chased it's prey into a corner and has finally enjoyed its taste.
Tired... relaxed... yet ready to pounce again.

You light a cigarette.
You take a deep breath.
Life is rushing through our veins.
It's intoxicating.

Farin Urlaub "Augenblick"

Grey. The world was fucking grey that day. As if to make it all feel so much more unrealistic.
The sky didn't fit that day. And yet I remember it was grey.

We'd gone with Her to the beach, to get the towels. It wasn't a beach day - everything seemed to be too grey.
And then we saw the pier in the distance.
And hand in hand we walked to the pier and to the end of the pier.
One could feel the salty spray of the waves...
The smell of sea and rain...
The noise of  the forces of nature...
Drowning everything away.
The rest of the world fades...

*THUMP*

A hug.

*THUMP*

Her hair flying in the cool breeze

*THUMP*

A kiss.

*THUMP*

The endless blue-greyish horizon in the distance.

*THUMP*

I remember...

*THUMP*

Every...

*THUMP*

Beat...

Metisse "Nomah's Land"

There is a moon high above me.
Bigger and brighter than you could have ever seen it.
Stars.
A myriad of unknown, unseen, untouched constellations.
And the blackness of empty space.

And yet...

You can see it slowly fade away.
You can trace the line of the sky and see it slowly grow from black to purple and from purple...
To the deepest, brightest blue a sky can ever be.
And then you see the sun.
This enormous, bright, rejuvenating orb of pure, untouched, untainted light.

The sky is shining... Then you trace it to the clouds of mists... And then to those of thunderous rage.

Repent.

It is all I want to do.
And yet...
We are godless you and I.
We have ourself. We have our compass and we have our bag.

We want forgiveness. We need to be forgiven.
Yet the only ones we ask it of is our selves.
The only one that can forgive is me.

But, alas...
In the vastness of this forest that we call out world...
In all its shrines and ruins.
In all its caves and rivers.
Even in the tents of wandering tribes.

There is not a single mirror.









Yet.

Kylie Minogue "Confide in Me"

There's a land out there...

A land - entirely populated by mental images we have created.
Of people we've known.
Of people we've later met.
Of people we've yet to meet.
Of people we're not going to meet.
                    
They live there their silent lives. Each individual serving only one purpose.
To allow us to speak.
To allow us to say the things we couldn't say,
                                                   we didn't say,
                                             we shouldn't say.

We're a professional you and I. A professional wastebin for emotional garbage.
We should know how it's done. How to procure the services of one such as us.
How to use their services best.
But we don't.

So we create those people. We talk to them, with them. We listen to what we have to say to ourself.

There's a land of mental images out there.
A land that exists solely because of our silent shouts, hisses and speeches.
Every hit we never threw.
Every spiteful comment held behind out teeth.
Every "I love you" that was ever hidden.

A land of voiceless screams.

One day we may not need this land.
One day we may always say what we think.
Wether because we've grown as shallow as we want to be,
                                             or as open as no one should be.
But until that day there's only this.
There's you, there's me, and there are shadows.
There's always someone to confide in.

We can always have our voiceless screams.

__________________________________________________________________________________
                      *To be edited in days or years.*

Live "Run Away"

It's warm.
There's a boulevard on our left.
Traffic.
We don't see it.
We don't hear it.

There are trees, grass and flowers on our right.

And then there's the road in front.
Long.
Straight.
With a sunset high above it.

We grab the strap of our bag an light a cigarette.

There's nothing else in this world.
Just us, the road ahead and that beautiful sunset.

We start walking.

Forward.

Always forward.

Chase the sun.

Placebo "Post Blue"

I remember those initial weeks of intoxication.

We told her truths. She answered likewise.
We'd meet her in secret, hide her from everyone...
She didn't want our partners to know...

Intoxication.
Bliss.
It was all so special.
So surreal.
So... Addictive.

Her embrace and her kisses.
Thieving. Stealing Time's most precious of moments...
Struggling, hiding, lying, knowing, fighting, caring...
Never sharing...

We broke the back of love for her.
We broke the back of love with her.

And in the end - We broke it All.

Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"

The gentle touch of hot, soft skin.
The sound of ice cubes cracking in the darkness.

Tsuneo Imahori "Divine Decision"

Cold dark night in the small town.

Near Her house.

Running.

You keep me silent.
All is silent, save for our footsteps and a dog, barking wildly from somewhere.
You tell it to shut up.
Quietly.
It does so.

Running.

The sound of feet hitting the ground.

She asked us to go get Him.
He'll help her. We know.
You can't.
And it seems that I can't either.

Running.

You ask yourself why she's stuck with us.
Why she can't be with Him.
Why it's only He, who can help her when she's down.
Who can help her pull herself together.
Make her smile.

I asked why you're doing this.
Why we were running.

"Because she needs Him."
That was your answer.
That was your only reason to fetch Him for her.
OUR only reason.

And we kept running.

5'nizza "Новый День"

Warm.

Summer.

Walking through the park, the sun's rays find their way through the branches.
The light is a soft orangey-yellow.
The grass is a soft green.

Warm.

We are going to see her this evening.
It's a new day today.

Warm.

The sun's rays have finally made their way through our skin and spirit.

So warm.

Madonna "Erotic"**

Sweet, gentle darkness.
A stray moonbeam coming from somewhere and ending nowhere.
Tall trees and taller shadows.
Her warm skin.

You whisper something in her ear.
I don't remember what, but it must have been lustful.
She bites our neck and holds us tighter.

Warm breath.
Flaming eyes.
Soft hair.

We claw at her.
We bite back.
We lick her skin.
We embrace her tighter.
We kiss her.

This is what freedom tastes like.

_____________________________________________________


** "Erotic" is a different version of the song "Erotica", which comes out as a single, accompanying the "Sex" book.

KoЯn "Tearjerker"

The room is dark.
The only light is coming from the dimmed display of the stereo. It makes everything it somehow manages to touch seem eerie, ghostly, pale and surreal. The darkness seems to be trying to eat away all traces of this pale light.

It's Her room.
Were sitting on Her floor.
For once - you are at a loss for words.
So am I.

We somehow manage the strength to reach the stool and lean on it.
Our trembling fingers grasp the remote and point it at the stereo.
Track 14.
We somehow manage to press play, and collapse on the ground.

We want Her to hear the song.
Hear the lyrics.

We want Her to understand.
To feel, like I do.

She just sits there on the bed.

She pays no attention to the song.

There is no other sound but the stereo.
There are no other words.

You've lost the remainder of your strength.
You can't stop my tears any more.

The song ends.

Silence.
Darkness.